The hardest lessons

I’ve found myself getting a crash course in showing not telling. I never realized how much of it I did. Well it’s all getting fixed now.

Before

A man wearing a custom-made shirt and expensive trousers walked through the living room, contemplating his new business venture. He knew that security should be increased but was hesitant to do it; he was reluctant to involve outsiders. He then strode down the hall and opened a door that gave the appearance of a closet. Once inside the empty closet, he flipped on a light switch, then opened the door at the back, which led to a tunnel. He walked through the well-lit tunnel, emerging in a large storage building.

After

Angelo paced in the living room as he contemplated the hazards of his new business venture. He paused a moment to fiddle with the gold cufflinks his custom made cotton shirt sported. The cuff links were one of the few things he treasured, a gift from his father on his graduation from university. The reinforced French cuffs this shirt held was the only way these golden orbs stood out out properly.

The second lesson I’m learning quickly is to include more of my characters internal thoughts and internal dialogue.

 

Before

Daphne Flowers sat in the back of the limousine as it turned onto West Executive Avenue. In her lap was a locked blue pouch that contained the presidential daily brief, or PDB. Daphne hated her overly feminine name and had insisted using only her call sign Jaye for her entire seventeen-year career in the Central Intelligence Agency.

 

After

She exited the vehicle holding up the blue pouch and showed it to Steve Phillips, the SAC or special agent in charge of the presidential security detail. Phillips walked over to her and said “Morning Jay, another day another briefing.” Jaye nodded and felt an inward sense of relief that he had not called her by her birth name Daphne Flowers was not a name for the head of the world’s most well known spy agency.

Well I’m glad this is getting fixed, it is making my novel stronger. My novel is being subjected to the fire of editing, hopefully for the last time.

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